Did you know that you have absolute non-negotiable requirements for a life partner? When coaching people to help them find the love of their life, one of the major parts of the equation is to understand their deal breakers. Deal breakers are characteristics in another that you cannot live with.
You don't always know exactly what your deal breakers are until you are faced with certain situations. For instance, six months into your relationship, your date may reveal that he is also dating someone else. Or, just when you think you have met the perfect guy, he has been transferred to another country - and, he seems happy about it.
None of the above has to be a deal breaker for some people - but for others, it is. However, there are predictable patterns of behavior that spell trouble. What are some of the common deal breakers that you need to be aware of so you can save your current romance - or your next one before it begins? Be on the alert for the following:
s Ignoring problems
Once you meet someone, one or both of you may have some old and painful issues that resurface. Getting in a relationship can have a funny way of triggering the memory of forgotten wounds. As you relate to one another, that baggage may get in the way of your new life. Problems that don't go away need to be faced with a recommended professional counselor.
s Not enough money
Both of you have your own vision of the lifestyle you require, whether you are aware of it or not. Unfortunately, perhaps you can't afford it. Before you get in arguments or debt, know that you have options that you can take to attain a sense of security. The simple solution is to earn more and spend less. If you and your love interest decide that he should work two jobs for a while, make sure you DO NOT complain about never spending enough time together. Set a goal for how much extra income you need, estimate how much time it will take, and keep your goals before you. If you both need to work two jobs all the time to make ends meet, you may want to rethink your careers. Do you need to apply for a new job, change your career, get more education, acquire different job skills, or, change your life style? Debt or fighting about money is one of the biggest causes of relationship failure.
s Misbehaving children
If you are single and one or both of you have rude, misbehaving children, they can destroy a potential relationship. Make sure you do everything you can to strengthen your parenting skills. Teach your children manners and appropriate behavior toward other adults. When you have guests over to your home, your children need to be welcoming hosts.
s Sharing
A mutual exchange of ideas, thoughts, and emotions as well as physical closeness is why most people want to be in a relationship. Sharing family concerns and the joys and sorrows of life builds intimacy. Sharing also means sharing the load of work. Picking up after yourself, shopping, cooking, doing errands, and yard work are just a few of the responsibilities couples face together. It is NOT okay to go into a relationship thinking more about what you're going to get and what someone is going to do for you. Nor is it all right to be the heavy lifter and do all of the work. Being out of balance, one way or the other, can be a relationship killer.
s Being "right"
If you are always right; if you are the one who is the constant victim in the relationship; and if the world takes advantage of you most of the time, rethink your position and identity. You may be acting like a martyr or you could be an enabler. Either way, you are not taking good care of yourself. Forget the blaming and complaining and get into what gives you energy and hope. Being right will only leave you feeling isolated. Being proud of yourself, feeling fulfilled, and having integrity will draw others to you.
s Telling your relationship problems to others
If you are consistently not happy with your partner, whom do you talk to? You need a skilled counselor instead of relating your private life to your family and friends. I'm not talking about the normal bumps in any relationship. I am talking about on-going struggles that never get resolved, or constant complaints about your partner's behavior. And if your partner hears about your issues from others first, they will feel betrayed. Friends and family mean well, but they can't always be objective. Also, if you share too many negative stories about your current love interest with your family, they will find it difficult to continue to like your partner. Long after you have made up, your family may still nurse a grudge.
You may not mind your boyfriend going out with others since you only like him as a friend. Or, you may work out the long-distance relationship with someone else you are crazy about just fine. Deal breakers are individual matters. Know what yours are so you can find the relationship that suits you.
Tonja Evetts Weimer, M.A., is a Master Certified Single's Coach and Life Coach. To receive her free newsletter or to contact her, e-mail
tonja@tonjaweimer.com.
(Jan. 28, 2007)
