So what to make of this year, when Paris Hilton did more jail time than O.J. Simpson, Britney Spears got more face time than Anna Nicole Smith and Tammy Faye Bakker combined, and the biggest hero in sports may be hot dog eating champ Joey Chestnut rather than those stars of the Mitchell Report, Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds?
The lengths some of our favorite celebrities go to keep in the news throughout the year deserve to be recognized.
So, without further ado, we bring you, the Kournikova Awards.
This award is named after one-time tennis star Anna Kournikova, who attracted plenty of attention for her terrific looks and A-list boyfriends, from hockey star Sergei Federov to singer Enrique Iglesias, but little to none for her tennis game, where she never won a singles tournament.
Criteria? Merely take up space in the 24/7/365 news cycle that should otherwise be devoted to learning about the presidential candidates, igniting a discussion on health care reform or, if I were to dream really big, the abolition of the designated hitter.
And what a star-studded cast of nominees we have this year ...
l The cast of Disney's "High School Musical": Are you not a parent of a "tween," and had not heard of this, say, six months ago?
You're not alone, and they made up for lost publicity time quickly over the summer. It all started with a TV movie, followed by a second TV movie, the inevitable DVDs, album and other accessories, a stage show, live concerts, and, of course, the ice show (and where are Abbott and Costello to "meet" them when you need them?). But then, one of the stars got a little more exposure than expected when nude photos of her popped up on the Internet, so we all assume they've all gone back to East High with a song in their hearts while furiously studying for year-end exams.
Which turned out to be a good thing, because it cleared room on the stage for:
l Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus: Yes, that's two ... two ... two stars in one! Another Disney Channel offering, this tale of the girl who's a mild-mannered student by day and oh-so-famous pop star by night has been a late riser, with a concert tour attracting a ticket frenzy not seen since the early days of Britney Spears. We trust that Miley will get much better career management advice from her dad, country star Billy Ray Cyrus, than Spears got from her managers and parents. After all, look how well he's milked "Achy Breaky Heart."
l But what about Britney, and that ever-growing Spears clan?
An early ruling from our executive committee, from its headquarters in Lake Havasu City, Ariz., said Britney would not be nominated for her foibles this year, from do-it-yourself haircuts, multiple attempts to check into rehab to her uncanny ability to run over papparazi, saying it would be like choosing among one's favorite train wrecks.
But the announcement just before Christmas that Spears' 16-year-old sister, Jamie Lynn Spears of Nickelodeon's "Zoey 101" is pregnant by her 19-year-old boyfriend, changes the stakes.
Perhaps just as disturbing as the possible case of statuatory rape (depending on which state the baby was conceived in, Jamie Lynn may have been of legal age), is that one of the gossip magazines has already purchased rights to the first baby pictures for $1 million ... and another Spears offspring is destined to spend its life thrust into the spotlight so craved by Mom.
We'll let the sisters off with just a warning this year, though ... for parties of five or more, please call ahead for reservations.
l Of course, no look at the year in review in entertainment, the legal system or media silliness in general would be complete without mentioning Paris Hilton, who served 22 days in Los Angeles County jails for a parole violation. The LA County Sheriff tried to spring her early, citing a medical condition, but that decision was reversed by the judge, leading Her Divaness to scream those immortal words, "Mom ... it's not fair" as the bailiffs carted her back to jail.
She vowed to do more charity work in a post-term interview with Larry King, but these efforts may have been trampled when reports she wanted to help drunken rogue elephants turned out to be erroneous.
(And just like the elephants, we never forget our mistakes, either, like running that item in the paper, even though it sounded too good to be true ...)
l Then there was Al Gore, our former vice president, and to many still the shoulda, coulda, woulda guy in the 2000 presidential vote, and on top of all that, the winner of this year's Nobel Prize for his work creating awareness of global warming.
Gore was everywhere picking up other awards as well, it seemed ... the Oscars, the Emmys, the Golden Globes, and, perhaps, even the end-of-year assembly at P.S. 74.
But why, oh why, then, does it feel like his most memorable duty was his continuing efforts to warn the fine citizens of South Park, Colo., about the dangers of ManBearPig? And I suppose next you are going to tell me he saved Kenny as well.
All fine efforts, but not quite good enough.
l This year's winner: David Beckham, with best supporting actress honors to Victoria Beckham, aka "Posh Spice" of The Spice Girls.
Step into the wayback machine to this spring, when the debonair but aging (in soccer terms) captain of the British national squad was sold by Real Madrid (is artificial Madrid cheaper?) to the Los Angeles Galaxy of Major League Soccer in a $250 million deal that was going to use his-and-her star power to combine Hollywood, the world's game and plain ol' American hype and bring the masses to soccer.
Well, let's see ... Beckham sat on the bench with the Galaxy for a month after the end of Real Madrid's season, all while making commercials and mixing at the right parties, while Victoria was followed around by cameras, made a short-lived TV series and even threw out the first ball at a Dodgers game.
Oh, and on the pitch?
In Major League Soccer play, he had no goals and two assists in five games as L.A. missed the playoffs and millions went about life as it was before the arrival of the Beckams.
Like the fella once said, ain't that a kick in the head?
Richard de Give is The Sentinel's copy editor. Reach him at 583-2422 or at
rdegive@hanfordsentinel.com.
(Jan. 2, 2008)
