When I wrote a column a couple of months ago regarding bright but poor teens not always finding the road to college an easy one, one reader I met made me realize I missed one of the biggest reasons kids in this county get derailed from their college aspirations and other life and career goals: Underage pregnancy.

The lady told me the story of her 17-year-old high school granddaughter, who recently informed her family she's expecting a baby this winter. I have another good friend going through the exact same thing, but in this case it's her 18-year-old son and his 16-year-old girlfriend who are the parents-to-be.

Both young couples are unbelievably excited, gleefully believing that love conquers all as they happily await the birth of their first child and new "grown-up" responsibilities.

Both sets of grandparents and great-grandparents are about as excited as if they've just received one-way tickets to Tunisia. Teen pregnancy is an unexpected detour that can, hopefully, turn out OK in the end, but which is usually not in the plans, the dreams, or the hopes most parents have for their children.

I have no doubt that both sets of grandparents-to-be will eventually love their new grandchildren as much as life itself, but right now they're still grieving the lost or altered futures of their own kids, who will become parents before they're even old enough to have a diploma in their hands, much less a champagne toast at their baby's christening party.

Kings County has the highest teen pregnancy rate in the state, with births to teens comprising approximately 18 percent of the county's total births in any given calendar year.

Of course, teen parenthood itself has been around for as long as there have been hormonal teens, unprotected sex and crushed, disappointed parents to go along with them.

But underage pregnancy has become far too much a part of our culture in this area, to a point of being almost acceptable due to its commonality.

As the parent of three kids, I've been forced to think about this, because it's looming like a precipitous, hanging boulder over the road ahead of each one of them as they grow up and begin having relationships with the opposite sex. To deny it would be to deny reality.

But it creates a dilemma: How do you preach abstinence but let kids know protection is a must if they decide to ignore parental advice and chart their own course regarding their sexuality? Do we offer to make the protection available for them, should they need it?

Is it like teen drinking, where you advise against it, yet let your teen know that they can still call for a free ride home with no recriminations if it happens?

Most parents would agree on the drinking issue that it's not because we want to promote teen drinking, but rather because we don't want our kids making a bad situation worse by doing something stupid (like driving) after they've already done something stupid (indulged in underage drinking in the first place).

And so it is with sex. While few parents are in favor of their teens engaging in sex, it's making a bad thing even worse when we refuse to acknowledge that availing them of protection can potentially stop a bad situation from becoming worse.

I have far too many friends who have preached "abstinence only" for religious reasons, only to discover their teen has gone ahead with premarital sex anyway -- without using protection -- and is now about to become a parent.

And these grandparents-to-be then face their own dilemma: Do you raise your children's children for them, knowing they're too young and immature to handle the rigors of parenting? Do you try and steer them towards adoption? Or do you demand they own up to their choice, move out and support their new family, even if they're forced into minimum-wage poverty?

One of my sons recently went for his physical, and his doctor weighed in on the matter of premarital sex, telling him that if he could manage to abstain from sex until marriage, that the doc would buy him a steak dinner.

Wow. If only it were that easy.

What probably would have been more realistic would have been to tell him what we've been telling him -- about how venereal disease, HIV, or unplanned pregnancy can change your life permanently, and not for the better. About the 20-plus years of commitment involved in keeping and raising a baby.

And maybe even a conversation about the fact that while waiting for sex until marriage may be ideal, realistically it's not something everyone manages to do, so learning about protection, and being willing to use it, is mandatory.

Yes, the fight against teen pregnancy in our county (if we're truly committed to fighting it) will only be won if we're willing to admit that Plan A, abstinence, and Plan B -- pre-pregnancy birth control -- are both options that must be discussed in any realistic dialogue involving teens and sex.

Diane Sayre is a freelance writer living in Hanford. Her column appears weekly in the Sentinel. Readers can write to her at The Hanford Sentinel, P.O. Box 9, Hanford, CA 93232.

(July 21, 2008)