I have just seen an article written by a dog expert who seems about to tell us why our dog eats too much. He begins by asking "Why does your dog eat too much?" so it's pretty obvious he doesn't know either.

If you really want to know why your dog eats too much, you've come to the right place. This is because I have one of those dogs myself. People who don't have a dog will say stuff like, "well, why don't you give the fat, overfed piggy, less food?" Well, of course, that's just another question, not an answer, right?

Our big, standard poodle, Bruno, is now drooling over my shoulder and waiting to see if I answer that question with anything that hints at taking away some of his dinner. He is too close to my jugular for me to even consider doing something like that, so I'm going to answer it obliquely -- very obliquely. Good boy, Bruno, good boy.

The point is that it doesn't really matter how little you feed your dog, he will still eat too much. You will come back from the front door after picking up the paper and the sofa will be missing -- and don't bother to look for the cat.

You will notice that your cat never steals the dog's food. This is because she really, really doesn't want him to get hungry in the middle of the night and go looking for a snack.

I know that a few of you are going to be disappointed when I say this, but just because dogs have lived with us for 10,000 years doesn't mean they have become human -- well, OK, maybe, you have, Bruno -- but I digress.

Oh, yes, we've changed their shape and size into something that bears little resemblance to the first majestic wolf that wandered into our cave and ate the guy with the biggest club. Luckily, in 10,000 years time, the guy with the second biggest club would be almost intelligent, so he calculated that it would be a good idea to throw the guy with the third biggest club to the wolf as a table scrap. Naturally the wolf decided to visit a while and that's how it all started. So you see, it was love at first sight.

It wouldn't be at all surprising if some dogs would like to avenge themselves on us for what we've done to them. Why do you think those little dogs that people carry in their arms, yap so angrily all the time? Can you really imagine yourself being transformed from a wolf into a Chihuahua, without holding a grudge against the perpetrators, especially as you are now even too small to eat them without giving yourself shocking indigestion?

Imagine being a miniature, ex-wolf that's afraid to steal the cat's dinner in case she purrs at him too loudly. We have transformed a magnificent beast into a fluffy little ball but left it with the heart of a wolf, only sadder.

OK, you guys, imagine if you were forced to watch Martha Stewart instead of the Super Bowl -- and had to pretend to like it by yapping and panting and licking Mommy's face -- which you are not allowed to eat, even though it's extra rare and you are hungry again.

The thing is that we don't really understand dogs at all. OK, at some time you must have been fascinated by the wild abandon with which your dog beats a drum roll on the carpet with his hind leg while he's sleeping. I mean it's almost obscene, right -- especially the whimpering.

You have no idea what he's dreaming about, do you? Whatever it is, it must be almost as good as dinner -- although Bruno doesn't do anything like that when I'm feeding him; but perhaps that says more about me than about him.

The dog expert also suggested we give our dogs toys so that they won't be bored. Well, I don't know about your dog but Bruno already plays chess with next-door's lovely cocker spaniel. For some reason this usually results in one of his beating-a-drum-roll-on-the-carpet dreams, which would be fine except it makes him hungry and defeats the object of the exercise. I hate to think how exited he would get if he ever won a game.

You will have already noticed that a dog can learn to do anything -- well, anything except mow the lawn or do the ironing or stand in the rain and wait for a bus to take it to work -- but, hey, he's got you to do all that for him, right?

Oh, sure, a dog's thought processes can be quite a challenge sometimes. I mean they don't like to share their food, yet they won't swallow de-wormer pills so, it seems they don't mind sharing food that they've already eaten.

And now we are right back to "Why does your dog eat too much?" Well, if you find out please let the rest of us know, but now I'm going to play chess with next-door's cocker spaniel and then sleep on the carpet for a while. Who knows, maybe it will make me hungry.

Anthony Cicale is a Lemoore resident.

(Oct. 19, 2008)