A young gay couple we know desperately wants a child of their own, so they are scrimping and saving to pay for a surrogate mother. They figure the process will take five years and many thousands of dollars, but they are committed to parenthood.

A lesbian acquaintance is preparing to marry her longtime partner back home in Massachusetts, which has sanctioned gay marriage for years. Her talk about dresses and honeymoons sounds just as excited, and apprehensive, as any other bride we've ever met.

As a dear friend lay dying, her son's boyfriend took on the task of changing her IV tubes. At our grandson's Little League games, one teammate's "two dads" show up regularly and cheer him on. A colleague retired recently to Seattle, where she could baby-sit for her only grandchild, the biological son of her daughter's partner.

Are these families threatening the moral order? Are they diminishing the sanctity of marriage? Are saving money and buying wedding dresses and cheering at Little League games acts of rebellion against established social norms?

Of course not. In fact, they are exactly the opposite. These same-sex couples are sharing and strengthening the "family values" that conservatives profess to defend when they oppose gay marriage -- constancy, stability and a belief in the promises they make to each other and their children.

This is why the issue of same-sex marriage is shifting so rapidly. The electorate has not been seized by an ideological awakening or bullied by gay-rights activists. People have simply seen how gay couples are living in their own communities and, often, in their own families.

If Barack and Michelle Obama have been able to show that black families can be just like everyone else, gay families are making the same point -- every day, in countless small ways.

In the latest ABC/Washington Post poll, 49 percent supported gay marriage while 46 percent opposed. That's not a large margin, but only three years ago, 58 percent rejected the idea and 36 percent accepted it. Moreover, the trend line is clear: In a CNN survey almost six of 10 people under 34 backed same-sex marriage, compared to one in four of those over 65.

We, too, have shifted views. Three years ago, we strongly supported civil unions and equal rights for gay couples but did not think the country was ready for same-sex marriage. The country as a whole is still not ready, and for political reasons President Obama remains where we used to be -- in favor of civil unions, but nothing more.

Individual states are ready, however, and the progress has been stunning. Vermont and Maine recently passed laws permitting same-sex marriage and in Iowa, the Supreme Court legalized the process. New Hampshire is likely to become the sixth state to sanction gay weddings (Massachusetts and Connecticut already have them). Legislatures in New York and New Jersey are also debating the issue, and politicians -- at least on the two coasts -- are shifting gears quickly.

Gov. John Baldacci of Maine made a typical statement when he signed the marriage law: "In the past, I opposed gay marriage while supporting the idea of civil unions. I have come to believe that this is a question of fairness and of equal protection under the law, and that a civil union is not equal to marriage."

Howard Dean, the former Vermont governor, explained his switch to ABC: "This is changing. You know, gay people are seen as people first and then as gay or lesbian later. That's the way it should be."

It's not just that gays are seen as "people first" who are fully capable of commitment. It's that many heterosexual couples can hardly pose as paragons of marital virtue.

In Steve's class at George Washington University this semester, one young woman wrote about a mother so devastated by divorce that she was borrowing money from her daughter.

Another told of watching her stepfather beat her mother. In a third case, a mother abandoned her two children and now lives on a houseboat with a lover half her age.

These stories don't stand for all straight couples, but promiscuous thrill-seekers don't reflect all gays, either. There's virtue and sin in every group. But that's the point. The law should treat everyone fairly. It doesn't now, but someday it will. And all those "radical reprobates" cheering at Little League games will have the same rights as the rest of us.

Cokie Roberts' latest book is "Ladies of Liberty: The Women Who Shaped Our Nation" (William Morrow, 2008). Steve and Cokie Roberts can be reached at stevecokie@gmail.com.

(May 23, 2009)