"Wolfenstein” is the kid next to you in science class who reads the answers to your quiz so closely he forgets to put his own name on it. It’s your little brother trying to make dinner by pulling every item off the pantry shelf and pouring it into the Crock-Pot.

It’s a game that steals so liberally from every video game on the market, we’re half-surprised not to find space aliens and Pokemon inside.

The year is 1940-something and the Nazis have occupied the European hamlet of Isenstadt. Rumors abound that Heinrich Himmler’s SS Division is conducting weird and arcane experiments in the area, trying to create a weapon to combat the Allied forces.

To counter this, the Office of Secret Actions sends special agent B. J. Blazkowicz into enemy territory to stop the Third Reich at any cost.

We aren’t surprised to discover, then, that the Nazis were largely successful and now Isenstadt is filled with sorcerers, zombie soldiers and robo-warriors with lightening guns.

If all this sounds good, we ask that you stop, take a deep breath, rent “Raiders of the Lost Ark” and get on with your life.

“Wolfenstein” is the end result of a closed-door meeting where every bullet-point idea is just the name of another game.

There’s an open world you can explore (“Grand Theft Auto IV”) to find missions assigned by different factions (“Far Cry 2”) as you avoid enemy patrols (“Metal Gear Solid 4”), purchase upgrades (“Fallout 3”) and fight through scripted battles (“Call of Duty 4”) in your attempt to beat the final boss (“Super Mario Bros.”). Also, you have a magic medallion that lets you slow down time (“Max Payne 2”) and shield your character (“Crysis”) from harm.

The counter-argument to this is that all games, really, recycle the same ideas endlessly. It’s a fair point, but it’s important to remember that good video games go beyond the kitchen sink approach and stand out despite their recycled parts.

“Wolfenstein” is so bland it’ll make you groan for a good 15 seconds after the first mission.

There’s just no balance to it. Blazkowicz regains his health whenever he stands still. Slow down time in a gun battle and we can kill everything that moves without missing a beat. Ignore the magic powers, and we still win just by rushing the enemy, firing until they hit the dirt.

The game is so anxious to throw out all these ideas and upgrades that you become, basically, invincible an hour in. The only way to lose is to get bored, something the hackneyed plot easily supplies (“Go here. Kill this. Go there. Stop that. Our leader has been kidnapped! Only you can save us.”).

It’s only after a few hours of play that you realize how hollow it all is. Nazi zombies are not scary if we can kill entire platoons walking across the city. And you will kill that platoon, because every time you leave an area, the Nazis return, as strong and boring as ever.

Levels consist of an underground base, an enemy fortress, a Zeppelin flying over the city and an ancient temple filled with arcane secrets. You proceed through the levels on a single path, battling enemies as they pop around the corners. Occasionally, there is a boss fight.

The only reason you might be tempted to complete this game is if, like us, you are compelled to kill a bunch of Nazis. And no one, not even your mother, would be ashamed of you for killing Nazis.

So if that’s your mission, there’s roughly 200 other videogames set in World War II. Play one of those instead. Or try one of the other games mentioned above. They do all this and more, but better.

Title: Wolfenstein

Genre: First-person shooter

Star rating: One out of four stars

Summary: Nein nein nein nein nein nein!

The reporter can be reached at 583-2425.